Day 26

How do I think others view me?
Hmm......I've often struggled with this question. I have social anxiety disorder, and I always feel like people are judging me, and I am always worried about what others think of me.
Here are a few things that I have been told by other people on how they view me:

• Intimidating-Apparently people are intimidated by me? Really?? I have asked why I am so intimidating and the response has been: because of my looks (I don't get it, and if anyone could explain this to me, I would greatly appreciate it), and since I am so shy I don't talk very much, and I guess that intimidates people.
• Stuck up/snobby- once again, the being shy thing has its downside. Those that haven't gotten to know me think I am or was stuck up and snobby. How do I know this? I have had old classmates tell me on facebook that that is how they thought I was in high school, and friends that I have made recently told me when they first met or saw me they just made that assumption. Awesome, I know. I am working really hard and not being quite so shy, but I don't know how. So if anyone out there has any suggestions, I am willing to take them!

I think this is how my friends/family view me:

• Funny- I can always make them laugh.
• Caring/Loving- My friends and family know that I am always there for them, and that I will do anything to help them out.
• Trustworthy- I am the person that almost everyone will come to when they are having problems or just need to ask questions. They know that I won't go around spreading gossip about them. I have a really good listening ear, and I like that people can come to me with anything.

Others have viewed me as being "beautiful", which actually has had a negative effect on me. There was a time back in high school when I had a fall out with my friends. They didn't like hanging around me because they thought I was beautiful and they didn't like me going with them places (like the mall or wherever) because the guys always stared at me, not them. This hurt me A LOT. These were friends that I had known since the age of 3, and all of a sudden they didn't want to be my friend because of how I looked? You know the saying, "Don't hate me because I am beautiful" well I say "Don't hate me because you think I am beautiful" This is where the low self-esteem started to kick in. I would look in the mirror and say all the things that were ugly about me, and convince myself that I was ugly, just so my friends would want to be friends with me again. Sad, I know, but true.

When I am in situations where my anxiety is high, I feel that others view me as a stupid person, or an ugly person, or I just feel like I am being judged for what I say, what I am wearing, how I look, etc. Its really hard for me when I let my anxiety get in the way like that, because it has such negative effects on me. But I am working on it.

Wow, this is the most I have opened up here on this blog.