Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I have been having trouble lately staying on task with my program. I have been thinking about why this is happening and here are a few conclusions that I have come up with, and they all seem to tie in together.
1. I have a friend, we are going to call her Betty for privacy purposes, and she has done this program and has developed and obsession with her looks and weight, and has developed an eating disorder. I have mixed feelings about this, because I have never dealt with this type of situation before. I feel angry because of what she is doing to her family, and friends. I feel scared because I am afraid of what this is doing to her. I also feel helpless because I don't know what to do to help, and I usually know how to help my friends. I am afraid that my friends are going to tie Live the Life and Betty's disorder together and think that the same thing is going to happen to me. I also feel a little scared that I could also become obsessed with how my body looks and I don't want to become like Betty, so I have justified my being sidetracked on this program, by eating treats and things, because I am at a healthy weight, and I am not going to turn out to be like Betty.
2. Halloween just came and went, and there is all sorts of candy lying around my house and I am weak and cannot hold back.
3. I have Social Anxiety Disorder, and because of all the things happening to Betty, and my friends having negative thoughts towards her new life style, I stress about them having those same feelings towards me, so I eat to "prove" to them that I am not like that. For some reason, I care a lot about what people think of me, to the point where I sometimes get anxiety attacks in social settings because I feel people are watching me and judging me. I am trying to overcome this disorder, but it is very hard for me.
4. This program is kind of expensive when it comes to buying the food each week, and money gets low at the end of the month, and I haven't had enough to buy my food, plus food for the family, and my family comes first. So, I have been trying to eat meals from past weeks, that I have the ingredients for, and for the most part I have been doing that, except for I still eat the sugary stuff that is lying around my house. UGH!
Right now, I am just feeling so lost and confused and not sure how I should go about this. I do know that I feel like crap after eating all that junk food, and I know its not good for me. I argue with myself everyday for all the things that I am eating. Its almost like having the angel and devil on my shoulder. One telling me its okay to eat it, because I "deserve" it, and the other telling me that I know how I will feel after eating it, and its not worth it.
I have questioned why am I doing this program, and what am I trying to prove or get out of it? I have gone over my goals that I wrote down at the beginning of the program and I feel really guilty for all the junk food that I have consumed over the past couple of weeks.
On the other hand, I feel that if I keep going on the program, I will lose my friends because they will think that I am the same as Betty, or I am afraid that they will feel that I think that I am better than they are and not be my friend anymore. I have dealt with this with my friends before back in high school, and it ruined my self-esteem, but that is another story.
Anyway, I am trying to talk myself back into getting back into the program and back on track. Its very hard once you get off and introduce junkfood back into your diet. I truly am addicted to food, and I need to overcome this addiction!
I hope to do better the rest of this week, and be able to be inspiring to people once again, instead of a let down to people.