Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Day 26

How do I think others view me?
Hmm......I've often struggled with this question. I have social anxiety disorder, and I always feel like people are judging me, and I am always worried about what others think of me.
Here are a few things that I have been told by other people on how they view me:
  • Intimidating-Apparently people are intimidated by me? Really?? I have asked why I am so intimidating and the response has been: because of my looks (I don't get it, and if anyone could explain this to me, I would greatly appreciate it), and since I am so shy I don't talk very much, and I guess that intimidates people.
  • Stuck up/snobby- once again, the being shy thing has its downside. Those that haven't gotten to know me think I am or was stuck up and snobby. How do I know this? I have had old classmates tell me on facebook that that is how they thought I was in high school, and friends that I have made recently told me when they first met or saw me they just made that assumption. Awesome, I know. I am working really hard and not being quite so shy, but I don't know how. So if anyone out there has any suggestions, I am willing to take them!

I think this is how my friends/family view me:

  • Funny- I can always make them laugh.
  • Caring/Loving- My friends and family know that I am always there for them, and that I will do anything to help them out.
  • Trustworthy- I am the person that almost everyone will come to when they are having problems or just need to ask questions. They know that I won't go around spreading gossip about them. I have a really good listening ear, and I like that people can come to me with anything.

Others have viewed me as being "beautiful", which actually has had a negative effect on me. There was a time back in high school when I had a fall out with my friends. They didn't like hanging around me because they thought I was beautiful and they didn't like me going with them places (like the mall or wherever) because the guys always stared at me, not them. This hurt me A LOT. These were friends that I had known since the age of 3, and all of a sudden they didn't want to be my friend because of how I looked? You know the saying, "Don't hate me because I am beautiful" well I say "Don't hate me because you think I am beautiful" This is where the low self-esteem started to kick in. I would look in the mirror and say all the things that were ugly about me, and convince myself that I was ugly, just so my friends would want to be friends with me again. Sad, I know, but true.

When I am in situations where my anxiety is high, I feel that others view me as a stupid person, or an ugly person, or I just feel like I am being judged for what I say, what I am wearing, how I look, etc. Its really hard for me when I let my anxiety get in the way like that, because it has such negative effects on me. But I am working on it.

Wow, this is the most I have opened up here on this blog.

2 comments:

  1. oh my gosh Nat that's terrible about your friends. Since you're still friends w/ the girls we were friends w/ when I lived there I'm assuming they got over it. I had the opposite thing happen to me for some reason, my friend in MO had me go to the mall w/ her just so guys would hit on her. The problem was I didn't like guys hitting on me so it never worked. I completely understand about the shy thing. I've gotten so much more self conscious as I've become and adult and have gotten the stuck up thing too. It sucks. Anyway, sorry for the log comment. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Long comment not log comment :)

    ReplyDelete